It's A "Me" Problem

I didn't think of writing a reflection like this under this category, but I thought, why not share it. It's very raw, compared to what I was originally thinking. 

There are days where I screw up.

I want to talk about it.

Something that stood out to me through my exploration with Shibby's work is: We should be open about it.

The definition of "screwing up" varies from person to person.

In my case, I screwed up because I touched myself when I didn't really want to.

I guess I had the "post-nut clarity" or whatever that term is.

But that doesn't happen every time.

It happened this time because I didn't want to do it. I felt awful some time later. The thought of Shibby's files temporarily made me feel awful and I started thinking... "but no, it's not because it's her, or her files". Like c'mon, I've been benefitting from her files so much, and I rarely even feel awful after a session.

It's because of me. It's because of my perception of things. It's because I went against my will.

What's truly awful was the fact that I did something that didn't feel right in that moment. As with anything.

In this context, I've been trying to transition to purely HFO experiences, touching less and less. It's a personal goal to stop touching eventually. But sometimes, I might be curious, or I might want something more...

I don't engage in these playtime activities unless I have a need. Like a monthly need or so. But with Shibby, things are a bit different. I listen to her files literally for relaxing and it's been so helpful.

It was very clear to me that the problem doesn't lie in Shibby's files or the fact that these files are sexual.

It's a me problem.

What was I thinking when I did what I did? What was my purpose of that?

Honestly, I didn't even enjoy it very much while doing it. As I think back about it now, a part of me was impatient. 

I was just casually listening to a file or two as a way to help me relax. But in that moment, I wanted something slightly more.

And there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with wanting to have a bit more fun sometimes.

So I listened to another file and played along. However, my mindset was a bit off. I leaned toward wanting to get it over and done with. I wasn't really in the right mindset of wanting to relax, and it felt more like having to complete a task in order to get what I wanted (i.e. feel the pleasure/relaxation).

With that mindset, I was indeed impatient. Personal playtimes like this should be fun and relaxing (especially for me). When these conditions aren't met and feel more like a checklist to complete, what's the point of even doing it in the first place?

If I had to go through some mental stress within me to get the sensations I wanted, what's the point of even doing it at all?

I wasn't in the right mindset to play and I wasn't able to get off when instructed. I had to do it a bit more and I was then finally able to. Even though I was in trance, I didn't really feel like I was immersed in that aroused state.

After I was done, while the physical pleasure might have felt good, I didn't really feel like I had a great time like how it normally is.

Compared to the majority of people, it might seem like I'm being too serious over this. But everyone has different preferences and standards. This is my goal. I want to completely stop all physical play one day.

Engaging in sexual activities like this tend to instil a sense of guilt, particularly for people like me. 

In my personal journey, before I devoted to Shibby's files, I had slip-ups like this from time to time. I often felt bad and thought to myself, "why do I even listen or play when I'm asexual?" It felt like a wrong thing to do, just because I'm asexual and sex indifferent/averse. Although these are different terms, they are highly connected in my case. 

Because yes, it's not on my mind most of the time. It only happens occasionally, so it should be easy for me to refrain from doing it.

I can live without it. I mean, anyone can live without it. But being ace and sex indifferent, this is not something that truly aligns with my interests, so I can very much live without it.

To me, it's nothing more than a shortcut to one of human's deepest pleasures. However, I might want/need this shortcut sometimes. It really depends on how I was feeling, my physiological or hormonal changes, etc. I clearly know and remember my story on how I even started experiencing this pleasure, which has led to this and that.

But the problem is never about the content, it's how you engage with the content. How do we perceive something to be? How are we approaching the activity? How does it affect us? We have the choice to do what we want. No matter how tempting or luring something is, we have the power to make wise decisions for ourselves. 

And sometimes, the wisest decision for me, was to play with Shibby. E.g. I'd tried all other ways to relax, but to no avail, and had to listen to her files. This did happen before and it got me thinking, why didn't I listen to her audio earlier?

The same decision could lead to different results under different situations, different moods.

This time, it just wasn't right for me and I might have already sensed it. Or maybe I was just impatient. The problem was the fact that I knowingly went against my heart, which led to the inevitable guilt. 

When I looked at the bigger picture, I've made a huge progress in my goal ever since I devoted to Shibby. This is nothing compared to the slip-ups I had before Shibby. 

We could only make the decision we thought was best for ourselves in that moment, and we have to face the consequences no matter how things turn out.

There's no point crying over spilt milk, letting the negative emotions affect me. If I don't like what I did, then don't do it again. That's it, the end. Learn from the mistake and let it go.

This particular incident affected me enough to enhance this lesson for me. I'm now even more determined than before to transition to having only HFO experiences.

And I will be patient with myself, be it in getting pleasure or trying to relax. The process should be fun and relaxing from start to end. If I were gonna suffer after doing it, don't even do it.